Scars

I read a quote in a magazine from some one who had surgery scars. The lady's comment was that she thought of them as battle scars... a battle that she won. I decided that this is good attitude to have. I don't like my surgery scars but it could have been worse. This is a battle, but not a battle that can not be won. I made the comment today that sometimes this is a physical sickness to get over and cope with. Other days, its a mental process to accept this. After chemo on April 22nd, I came home and was sick right away. Was sick for the rest of Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I think the sickness on Tuesday was because I really over did it on Monday. Went to work on Wednesday and was still feeling sick to my stomach but stayed all day. By Thursday I was feeling good and by today.. I feel like my regular, normal self.. bald but feel like myself. Am going back to Portland to look at more wigs tomorrow with my mom. My normal hair style when I had hair was always three ways. Curly, strait, or in a pony tail. Now that I have 2 wigs I already feel like I am in a rut and need some options. Hope I find at least one more cute one.

Chemo Round 2

Yesterday was round 2 of chemo.. this is half way through the first set of drugs. I went to the new center. it was SO much nicer. More private, everything new. First had my consult with the oncologist Dr. Richert-Boe. She was really nice. Asked me some general questions like, how long did take for me to get sick, was I developing mouth sores, how I felt overall. Then I had some questions to ask her, like what about eating fresh fruits and veggies, she said only the kind I can peel, due to the chemicals on them, and people touching them, and I asked how long after my treatment should I be careful being around people she said the white blood cells were lowest 7 to 10 days after treatment and to be careful. We got there at 9am and I left at 2:30pm.. it was much longer this time, just because I didn't realize I should have went the day before and had my blood drawn to test my counts, so we had to do that and wait for the results, and then they had some new training in the pharmacy that took a while to get my chemo drugs. Richard came and went checking on me and my mom came. Mom ended up taking me home. The nurses all asked my wig and said they liked it. They know that everyone eventually will show up in a wig or hat so its no big deal that they ask. I wore the short stacked one. Norma Rak showed up so she sat with us and visited for a little bit too. It seemed like a really long day. I came home and took a nap. By the evening, I had chips for dinner, craving the salt, and some Ginger Ale. My stomach was really upset. Today I have been feeling blah. Took a three hour nap. I think tomorrow it will probably really hit me like last time. Next chemo appointment is May 13th.

Goodbye Hair

Having my sister in law, Binnie, come over on Friday night to shave my hair, wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be. I now have a little stubble all over my head. But my scalp doesn't hurt like it did before. Still having mixed emotions if I want to share with everyone a picture of me now.

Wig Day

Got up today and after washing my hair decided today had to be my first day to wear a wig to work. Today's hair loss was a tremendous loss. And part of my hair was so dry and ratted that I couldn't comb it out.... so I cut it out. I lost enough to have bald spots on the top of my head. I could see my scalp in many places. When I put what I had into a pony tail, it was about the thickness of my little finger. The majority of my hair went in the garbage today. I texted Kris, "Wig Day". I didn't hear back from her but put my wig on and went to work. When I got to work, Kris was already there -- and in her wig. It was a huge help since both of us were in wigs, the attention was not only on me. When I got home I called my sister in law Binnie and made arrangements to have her come over tomorrow and shave my head. My scalp is not as sensitive as it was, it still hurts when I touch it, still feels like a sunburn on my scalp but hurts less now. Tonight after I showered, I took the scissors and cut off a big chunk of hair. Theres not much length to it now. No hair long enough for a pony tail tomorrow. Figured that sense its getting shaved tomorrow, why not just chop off what I can now.

More Hair Loss

As each day does by I am losing more hair. This morning it was coming out in handfuls. When I got done drying my hair, on the floor there was a ring of hair around where I was standing.. not to mention what I lost in washing it and combing through it before drying it. No really thin or bald spots showing yet, so no one would really know if I didn't tell them. Yesterday I kept it in a ponytail, and most likely will today too. Can't handle seeing on my shoulders or arm and knowing that the back of shirt would be covered with it. My head still tingles/hurts, I wonder if it will even after the hair is gone.... Just sitting here, its falling out and the only thing moving on me are my fingers on the keyboard! Than there is the temptation to pull out as much as I can (not sure why)... maybe to get it over with, or maybe in my mind I think it might stop coming out the more I pull at it. I wont try to pull it out, as I want to keep it as long as I can. Emotional... very much so. Other than crying and looking in the mirror for a bald or super thin spot, and bawling about it some more there is absolutely no way to have prepared myself for this.

Losing Hair

Yesterday afternoon I realized I am starting to lose my hair. The last couple of days I have been thinking my hair looks pretty bad, looks really dry, so I just put more styling product on it! Was primping and fingering through my hair and when I took my hand away, realized there was too much hair between my fingers. So I did it to the other side.. and same thing. Like I had to test it on both sides to see it was real. I was as work in the bathroom, so came back to my desk and emailed Kris. She was re-assuring, that I have plan for this and I have my wigs ready to go, should I need it the next morning. Just thinking about what was happening was too much, so when I started to cry I went out into the hallway at work. Just as Cindy my boss was leaving for the day, she saw me and I explained to her that I had just realized I was starting to lose my hair and its scary. So this morning first thing I did was look at my pillow to see how much I had lost over the night.. no more than usual. However, my head felt really funny. It tingled, like a hurt when its sun burned, or like when I was little and had tight pony tails and the end of the day taking them out how my head would hurt from hair then having to go back to its normal way. I didn't straighten my hair today like I usually do as I didn't want to pull on it any more than I had to. If I really pulled on it , I think I could get quit the chunk of hair. I have only had three and a half months of knowing this was going to happen. But now that it is happening, I am scared. But like Brenda and my mom told me, its just my hair and it will grow back. But my health with the chemo and recovering from it will be a huge thing in my life, and that I should be very concerned with it. Its just hair, even though its scary and emotional to lose it, I know it will come back. Like I said in the beginning, I don't think I have great hair, but I really like my hair.

Fighting With Kaiser

So its been an ongoing fight with Kaiser about my insurance coverage. I got to thinking about what happens after I reach the $250 deductible and the $2000 out of pocket amounts. So last week I called Kaiser to ask. I was told different answers. I called the representative that works for the credit union with Kaiser. She told me she was told some different, but was going to get to the bottom of it for a solid answer. (Still haven't heard back from her). Today I decided to call again and ask. I talked to a woman named Leslie. We were on the phone for about 25 minutes. She was very nice, and took her time reading all the coverage, what applies when and what doesn't. She put me on hold, and spoke with her supervisor about it. When she came back on she said they both agreed that since I have met both the deductible on Feb. 10th and the out of pocket amount on March 23rd, that from March 23rd forward I should not have to pay the co-payment of $25 every time I go for chemo or radiation. They said on my member number, the computer never switched over to another mode once I reached the out of pocket amount so they were going to manually have it changed. I asked about the two times I had paid the co-pay on March 25th and April 1st. They told me that I will be refunded for those two visits. Good thing I have a little notebook with everything in it, and I do mean everything wrote down .. appts dates, what happened on that day, the co pays, notes from my Dr. visits, phone numbers, meds and the side effects, etc. I don't think I can go a day with out my book! (Thank you Kris for the note book) And good thing I took the time to repeatedly call Kaiser to check on it since it turned out to be a benefit to me.