Healing

I am healing pretty well. No more band aids! yippee. I don't think my skin could have taken another day of them! Taking them off two times a day to change them was hurting so bad. It didn't matter if it was wet after a shower or I ripped it off, or tried slowly, it hurt and wanted to yell each time. As for the pain med.... I thought I was done with them yesterday-- but it turned out that I was thinking I was feeling better that I really was. But even in still taking them, I have cut them waaay back. Take one in the morning, one at night and maybe if needed one in the middle of the day, depending on the day. Compared with 2 every 4 hours that I was taking, slowly they are going away. I am not a big fan of taking any meds. Still have a hard time in my mind telling myself that I have cancer. And sometimes still freak out a little inside myself and have a good cry. OK, I have to admit, that its almost every day that happens. Yesterday I called a couple of wig stores in Portland to see if they had wigs I had to order, or if I could purchase it and take it home. Also went online to a company called TLC that is used by the American Cancer Society and ordered some samples of wig hair colors to see if they will match mine when the time comes if I need a wig. I have it my head that I will need a wig no matter what kind of chemo they give me. How can a stage three cancer patient with chemo as treatment not need a wig? I know for some it does happen, but I think most people do lose their hair. Today I asked Richard "what will I do when I lose my eyebrows?.. I have never needed an eyebrow pencil, I have them waxed to keep them in control. Without them, how will I know where to draw them in at? Do I need to remember where they were now, or will I be able to feel the place they were to be able to pencil them on?" Like my husband who I adore, would have any real idea or input on that subject! But I had to ask someone. So many questions that seem silly and not important-- but to me they are. They are things I never thought of before and never would have imagined I would need to think of. Went to my first meeting today since surgery. It was SO nice to see all the friends at the Kingdom Hall. It was encouraging to be back. I really needed it.

Work Release

Today I am suppose to hear back from my Dr.'s medical assistant, she is the one that will fill out the paperwork and get it to me. MY DR. RELEASED ME! but kind of seemed like she didn't want to. Every time I have asked her about it, she has some odd answer. I think, she feels that I will be spending more time at the Dr.s office and getting treatment and being sick than at work so why go back..... that's the feeling I get when I ask. But yesterday she told me middle to end of next week. I have my bone scan on March 3rd and its a long appointment so I am going back to work on March 4th. That will give me two days and than the weekend to re-coup. And I did get to downsize my band aid last night.. yeah! Its progress!

Downsize

The area where I have been wearing a band aid from the drain site is getting quite sore with removing the band aid twice a day. I have never done well with the stickiness of a band aid. Even though the ones I am using are latex free, it still leaves quite a sore area. I was really hoping that today I could start the day with a smaller band aid and just downsizing to some smaller ones.. Not only because that would relieve some of the tender area's from where the sticky part is bugging me, but also because its one more part of healing from the surgery. And I have emailed Dr. Chung to see about a work release date.. and am still waiting to hear back. I love being home, and am trying to use my arm more since its really sore and stiff from where they took out the lymph nodes. But think I might be able to make it through a days work. Its not like my job is physical. I think I could do it.

Band Aid

Yes the Dr. put just a large band aid over my drain area. On the way home, we stopped at Safeway so I could buy some think like it. With the drain out, I can finally reach it myself. I seem to have more free movement of my arm now. My mom has been coming over twice a day to take care of the drain. But now I can be a big girl and take care of myself. Thanks mom! Boy do I owe you!! The surgery area is healing well. What is odd, is that if I get goose bumps, or shiver a little, it sends a sharp quiver/tingle feeling in the surgery area's. Its the oddest feeling. Maybe that's they way it is. I have never had any surgery's before. I also do not have any feeling in my underarm. I am thinking some of the feeling will come back once I start to use my arm more and can actually raise my hand above my head. Its still so sore and I am very cautious of both areas. Meaning the spot they took the lymph nodes from and the spot they took the lump out, there are two different areas on the same arm. Some one said without the lymph nodes, that arm will not sweat.. saves some on the deodorant! When summer comes I will have to pay attention to it and see if they are correct!

Dr. Visit today

Mom took me to the Longview Kaiser today. Dr. Chung removed the drain. I was SO scared it would hurt, that it was in there long enough for it to start growing to me. I have had it for 13 days.. and I have good news to report. I didn't feel a thing! Seriously, nothing. Not kidding. Mom came back in the room with me and I think it surprised the Dr. because she asked mom if she was "interested in this kind of thing?" and mom told her, "Not really but I am curious.". This is kind of gross, but mom said the Dr. took out about 4 inches of tube. And to think I couldn't feel any of in me or when she took it out. Where was all that tube? The Dr. put a band aid on the area, which is about the size of a pea and sent me on my way. Now I just have to change the band aides until it heals. I came home to a busy phone. Richard was calling St. Johns to find out when my whole body bone scan is scheduled. At the same time, my cell phone was ringing, it was Kaiser to make another appointment. So here's the appointments list: Wed March 3rd ---at 11:30am returning at 2:00pm at St. Johns, Whole Body Scan Monday March 8Th ----9:15am at Longview Radiologist for Cat Scan Tuesday March 9Th---- 10am Longview Cancer Center for radiation consultation to go over the pros and cons of radiation Thursday March 11Th ----10am Kaiser for chemo oncology consultation Guess I will be busy for a few days. Still no word on when the chemo will start or how much, how often until the bone scan and cat scan are done and the results are back. I should sleep good tonight. Rob brought over some steps to put in our bedroom so I can easily get in and out of our bed. And with the drain gone, maybe I will get a good nights sleep!

Drain Tube

No this is not like UTube! I have been hoping that at today's doctors appointment, my drain was draining slow enough that i could be removed today. And... I just got a call from my very nice doctor, Dr. Chung and we went over the numbers of cc units we were draining daily and she said my drain can come out.. I am soo excited to have this thing gone. Even I though I am terrified it will hurt taking it out. Its been in there for 12 days and I have a fear it has started to attach itself to me. ouch. It hangs off my left side and is in the way, I have to have it pinned to the side of my shirt to keep it close. Its a clear ball/drain so if my shirt isn't long enough, anyone can see it.. its quite disgusting! Without my drain, I think I can go to meeting on Tuesday. I am excited for that. Listening in just isn't the same. Jessica came over yesterday and had a nice idea: we should decorate my drain/ball thing, put some jewels on it, cover it with sparkles and glitter, scrapbook it. It was a cute idea. And I would have if I had to have it much longer! I slept good last night, but woke up at about 6am in some pain. I didn't wake up all night to take any meds in the night. Even though I have cut myself off slowly from most of the meds, I still prefer to set an alarm, wake up in the middle of the night and take some. it keeps the pain under control a little bit more. Not that there is a lot of pain, but when it does come, it shoots like sharp pains. Today I am also waiting for calls from St. Johns. I had an appt this past Friday at the Interstate Kaiser for the bone scan. It was long drive, in the middle of day with coming home time at rush hour. What they do is give a shot of dye in the hand, send you away for three hours than you go back and they put you in some machine to see where the dye went. I didn't feel like driving all that way when I knew they could do it in Longview or even Vancouver. I asked if it could be done here in Longview and they said no. So I made the appt. than Richard and I talked about, and I decided to be the patient, put my foot down, take control and I called them back and told them I needed it done in Longview. and.. after some time, they finally told me they could refer it out, which I knew they could. So now am waiting for them to call me and if they don't call me be this afternoon, I am suppose to call the hospital and check on it myself. The appointment girl at Kaiser wasn't happy with me. But its my health, my appointment, my drive to Portland, my finding someone to take me. And I am looking out for me.Putting if off a few days isn't going to hurt me, as I am still healing from the surgery. Just because Kaiser didn't want to refer it out, they told me it had to be done in Portland at a Kaiser facility. So frustrating. So I am watching the phone today.. waiting for it to ring. Last night I looked in a Portland phone book for some wig stores. Almost started crying when I said to Richard, " I cant believe I am reading a phone book , looking for a wig store to buy myself a wig because I have cancer". But I didn't cry. I wanted to . I don't want to do ANY of this but I don't have a choice. We joked that I could take a day, a girls day with my mom, Kris and Brenda to go wig shopping.. not quite the girls shopping day that sounds very fun. But as I start to feel better from surgery and without this drain, I am going to have to seriously look into a wig. Even though the chemo treatments wont start for a few weeks, I want to be prepared. if there is such a thing. And I don't have any clue. I do have a couple of baseball style hats I could use... OK, maybe not such a great idea. I am just happy that I am getting to keep this doctors appointment today!

Blog privacy

The question was asked, how private do I want this blog to be? To tell the truth, I want it to be very open and honest. I have in fact been wanting to put some things on here about medically what the surgery did, was like, my feelings now as I am healing from the surgery. As to who knows about it, reads it, posts on it, even to asks questions I am open to all of it. If it can help me get my feelings out, even though most of time I am crying about something or another, or maybe help someone else understand it a little better that's great. I was crying the other day just out of the blue and Richard asked me what was going on, I told him "its just that everyone cares so much and it makes me cry" Yesterday I said I don't want all my conversations to be about me and cancer. but I am already finding that difficult, that's all that's in my mind. Even riding in the car with my mom yesterday, after we had talked about it a little bit, there was an awkward time neither of us said anything, just sat there. it was tough for me, I wanted to cry. But there is so much more to life than than this cancer and I want to continue doing things I have always done, to have my sense of humor, to have fun and in time I will. Right now I think i have so many feelings of sadness, how can this be happening?, why me?, now what? just trying to really wrap my mind around the idea that I, Nancy Smith have breast cancer and not really knowing how to understand that. then I feel all my emotion is about me, what about Richard? I know he must be scared to. If I was him, I would be. To have to sit back and watch your spouse be in pain, suffer,know whats coming with the chemo etc. has to be hard on him. But his hasn't shown it too much. He is always so positive when we talk about it and I love him for that. And since we are sleeping in separate bedrooms right now due to the fact I still have my drain and with my surgery I cant get into our bed because it sets too high so I am in the spare bedroom makes me sad too. I cant even have any quiet time with him. You know the conversations just before you fall off to sleep. I go to my bedroom and when he's ready, he goes to his. kinda weird to do every night! Hopefully when the drain comes out, i will be able to lift myself up into the bed with one arm, or find something to stand on to get into our bed so I don't have to lift my arm up too far. Hope that answered some of the privacy questions! but feel free to ask me anything, suggest anything, recommend anything.

Wigs

Richard and I have been talking about me getting a wig. When I have the chemo, it will be pretty aggressive and I am pretty sure I will lose my hair.. its a scary thought. Its just hair, and not that I have great hair, but I like my hair. Losing my hair is such a small part of this whole thing but it really does matter. I guess its part of vanity. I need to go online and see what is out there for possibilities.... perhaps a blond, jet black, red head..long, short, a bob style maybe.. hard to say. This could be fun, if there is anything fun about losing your hair. I don't see myself wearing a bandanna, or just going around bald... but a wig? what if it falls off? what if looks plastic like a Barbie doll? thanks to one good friend, I already have a lead on a store in Portland. I am trying to just go day by day and still be as active as I can right now. Its just over a week out of surgery, but I don't want my life to become so full and overtaken by my thoughts about this cancer. But that's tough too. I know I cant ignore it but I want to be normal too. I don't want it in every conversation and when people look at me I don't want them to think, "she has cancer". Oh for the day Jehovah promise to us of no more sickness is here.

This all began a while back. I found a growth myself about 4 years ago and went to Kaiser. They said it was cyst and wouldn't do anything about it. If this is related to the cancer I don't know. My surgeon said a cyst does not become cancer.
Pic of my mammogram, the white area is the cancer.

The surgeon ordered a biopsy. So Richard and I went to the Interstate Kaiser in Portland. We weren't thinking anything about it.. I get back in the room and a Dr. comes in and tells me I have breast cancer.. I immediately start crying. Have the procedure done and she calls Richard back to be with me. After some questioning, we find out that breast cancer is 90 to 95% treatable. Its not 100% but what in life is? The drive home was a crying mess on my part. I think I cried most of the day. This was the hardest day of them all so far when I look back. I had to tell my family and friends and co-workers.. how would/could I do it? I found a way within myself to do it and everyone was so supportive from the beginning. Since then its been one Dr's. appointment after another. guess I will have to get used to it. My last day at work before surgery Feb 9th was also an overwhelming with emotion day. To my surprise, my co-workers/friends made up a get well basket of books, movies, pajamas, slippers, gift cards, gift certificates, a HUGE four and half pound bag of hot tamales (my favorite snacking candy), coffee, a coffee cup, some candles, magazines. And they all wore pink tops and passed out little pink ribbons for us all to wear and someone made pink cupcakes. I wasn't expecting any of that kind of support the day before surgery! Surgery to remove the lump and test the lymph nodes was done on Feb. 10,2010. it was same day surgery. They did end up taking some of the nodes in the surgery. The waiting room was full of family and friends some of who I didn't have a chance to see. I was at the Southwest Washington Medical Center on Mill Plain in Vancouver at 7:30am, was taken back for surgery at 10:45am. Came out of surgery at 12:45pm and I think we left the hospital at 6 or 6:30pm that evening. I was one of the last patients to leave the day surgery area. My mom has been a huge help, here every day to help me when Richard can't be. The congregation has been great about providing a few meals for us and calling to check on us. I have received lots of card, flowers, care packages and lots of love, support, prayers and concern from so many people it is truly overwhelming. I have spent almost every day since than at home healing, crying and healing. How can I have just turned 43 years old, feel absolutely fine and have cancer growing me? I don't understand. On Wed Feb 17th, Richard and I went back to see the Dr. She took off almost all my bandages. I have a drain tube that she left in for a little while longer. The drain tube is because they took 15 lymph nodes and 5 tested bad. But said I am healing fine from the surgery. I cant wait for this drain to be gone, its kind of a hassle! Next up is scheduling for a whole body bone scan and a cat scan to see if the cancer has spread to any other parts of my body. They do these two scans because it had spread to my lymph nodes so it could possibly have spread to other places also. I am not sure how I am suppose to feel. I am confused. Other than healing from surgery, I still feel fine. I am not sure what to expect next, how I am going to feel, what is the chemo and radiation going to be like? I have so many questions. Mostly , just how can this be happening?

This blog is so that I have an outlet to let my friends know what is going in my life.. my life with breast cancer.