Scars

I read a quote in a magazine from some one who had surgery scars. The lady's comment was that she thought of them as battle scars... a battle that she won. I decided that this is good attitude to have. I don't like my surgery scars but it could have been worse. This is a battle, but not a battle that can not be won. I made the comment today that sometimes this is a physical sickness to get over and cope with. Other days, its a mental process to accept this. After chemo on April 22nd, I came home and was sick right away. Was sick for the rest of Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I think the sickness on Tuesday was because I really over did it on Monday. Went to work on Wednesday and was still feeling sick to my stomach but stayed all day. By Thursday I was feeling good and by today.. I feel like my regular, normal self.. bald but feel like myself. Am going back to Portland to look at more wigs tomorrow with my mom. My normal hair style when I had hair was always three ways. Curly, strait, or in a pony tail. Now that I have 2 wigs I already feel like I am in a rut and need some options. Hope I find at least one more cute one.

Chemo Round 2

Yesterday was round 2 of chemo.. this is half way through the first set of drugs. I went to the new center. it was SO much nicer. More private, everything new. First had my consult with the oncologist Dr. Richert-Boe. She was really nice. Asked me some general questions like, how long did take for me to get sick, was I developing mouth sores, how I felt overall. Then I had some questions to ask her, like what about eating fresh fruits and veggies, she said only the kind I can peel, due to the chemicals on them, and people touching them, and I asked how long after my treatment should I be careful being around people she said the white blood cells were lowest 7 to 10 days after treatment and to be careful. We got there at 9am and I left at 2:30pm.. it was much longer this time, just because I didn't realize I should have went the day before and had my blood drawn to test my counts, so we had to do that and wait for the results, and then they had some new training in the pharmacy that took a while to get my chemo drugs. Richard came and went checking on me and my mom came. Mom ended up taking me home. The nurses all asked my wig and said they liked it. They know that everyone eventually will show up in a wig or hat so its no big deal that they ask. I wore the short stacked one. Norma Rak showed up so she sat with us and visited for a little bit too. It seemed like a really long day. I came home and took a nap. By the evening, I had chips for dinner, craving the salt, and some Ginger Ale. My stomach was really upset. Today I have been feeling blah. Took a three hour nap. I think tomorrow it will probably really hit me like last time. Next chemo appointment is May 13th.

Goodbye Hair

Having my sister in law, Binnie, come over on Friday night to shave my hair, wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be. I now have a little stubble all over my head. But my scalp doesn't hurt like it did before. Still having mixed emotions if I want to share with everyone a picture of me now.

Wig Day

Got up today and after washing my hair decided today had to be my first day to wear a wig to work. Today's hair loss was a tremendous loss. And part of my hair was so dry and ratted that I couldn't comb it out.... so I cut it out. I lost enough to have bald spots on the top of my head. I could see my scalp in many places. When I put what I had into a pony tail, it was about the thickness of my little finger. The majority of my hair went in the garbage today. I texted Kris, "Wig Day". I didn't hear back from her but put my wig on and went to work. When I got to work, Kris was already there -- and in her wig. It was a huge help since both of us were in wigs, the attention was not only on me. When I got home I called my sister in law Binnie and made arrangements to have her come over tomorrow and shave my head. My scalp is not as sensitive as it was, it still hurts when I touch it, still feels like a sunburn on my scalp but hurts less now. Tonight after I showered, I took the scissors and cut off a big chunk of hair. Theres not much length to it now. No hair long enough for a pony tail tomorrow. Figured that sense its getting shaved tomorrow, why not just chop off what I can now.

More Hair Loss

As each day does by I am losing more hair. This morning it was coming out in handfuls. When I got done drying my hair, on the floor there was a ring of hair around where I was standing.. not to mention what I lost in washing it and combing through it before drying it. No really thin or bald spots showing yet, so no one would really know if I didn't tell them. Yesterday I kept it in a ponytail, and most likely will today too. Can't handle seeing on my shoulders or arm and knowing that the back of shirt would be covered with it. My head still tingles/hurts, I wonder if it will even after the hair is gone.... Just sitting here, its falling out and the only thing moving on me are my fingers on the keyboard! Than there is the temptation to pull out as much as I can (not sure why)... maybe to get it over with, or maybe in my mind I think it might stop coming out the more I pull at it. I wont try to pull it out, as I want to keep it as long as I can. Emotional... very much so. Other than crying and looking in the mirror for a bald or super thin spot, and bawling about it some more there is absolutely no way to have prepared myself for this.

Losing Hair

Yesterday afternoon I realized I am starting to lose my hair. The last couple of days I have been thinking my hair looks pretty bad, looks really dry, so I just put more styling product on it! Was primping and fingering through my hair and when I took my hand away, realized there was too much hair between my fingers. So I did it to the other side.. and same thing. Like I had to test it on both sides to see it was real. I was as work in the bathroom, so came back to my desk and emailed Kris. She was re-assuring, that I have plan for this and I have my wigs ready to go, should I need it the next morning. Just thinking about what was happening was too much, so when I started to cry I went out into the hallway at work. Just as Cindy my boss was leaving for the day, she saw me and I explained to her that I had just realized I was starting to lose my hair and its scary. So this morning first thing I did was look at my pillow to see how much I had lost over the night.. no more than usual. However, my head felt really funny. It tingled, like a hurt when its sun burned, or like when I was little and had tight pony tails and the end of the day taking them out how my head would hurt from hair then having to go back to its normal way. I didn't straighten my hair today like I usually do as I didn't want to pull on it any more than I had to. If I really pulled on it , I think I could get quit the chunk of hair. I have only had three and a half months of knowing this was going to happen. But now that it is happening, I am scared. But like Brenda and my mom told me, its just my hair and it will grow back. But my health with the chemo and recovering from it will be a huge thing in my life, and that I should be very concerned with it. Its just hair, even though its scary and emotional to lose it, I know it will come back. Like I said in the beginning, I don't think I have great hair, but I really like my hair.

Fighting With Kaiser

So its been an ongoing fight with Kaiser about my insurance coverage. I got to thinking about what happens after I reach the $250 deductible and the $2000 out of pocket amounts. So last week I called Kaiser to ask. I was told different answers. I called the representative that works for the credit union with Kaiser. She told me she was told some different, but was going to get to the bottom of it for a solid answer. (Still haven't heard back from her). Today I decided to call again and ask. I talked to a woman named Leslie. We were on the phone for about 25 minutes. She was very nice, and took her time reading all the coverage, what applies when and what doesn't. She put me on hold, and spoke with her supervisor about it. When she came back on she said they both agreed that since I have met both the deductible on Feb. 10th and the out of pocket amount on March 23rd, that from March 23rd forward I should not have to pay the co-payment of $25 every time I go for chemo or radiation. They said on my member number, the computer never switched over to another mode once I reached the out of pocket amount so they were going to manually have it changed. I asked about the two times I had paid the co-pay on March 25th and April 1st. They told me that I will be refunded for those two visits. Good thing I have a little notebook with everything in it, and I do mean everything wrote down .. appts dates, what happened on that day, the co pays, notes from my Dr. visits, phone numbers, meds and the side effects, etc. I don't think I can go a day with out my book! (Thank you Kris for the note book) And good thing I took the time to repeatedly call Kaiser to check on it since it turned out to be a benefit to me.

The Daily News: Kaisers New Oncology

I have not been to this new treatment center yet.. my next visit on April 22nd will be my first time.. It sounds nice!! (Doesn't make going any more fun) Kaiser's new oncology clinic a spacious room for improvement By Cheryll A. Borgaard / The Daily News | Posted: Thursday, April 8, 2010 | "Like night and day" is what patients and staff are saying about Kaiser-Permanente's new oncology/hematology clinic in Longview. "At the other place, I could reach my arm out and literally touch the other person next to me," patient Debbie Williamson said Thursday while receiving her chemotherapy treatment. "You really didn't have any room for any visitors, and if somebody came, everyone could hear what you talked about." The 9,200-square-foot $4.8 million expansion, which started in June, finished about a month earlier than planned. It's the biggest expansion ever for the 26-year-old medical center on Seventh Avenue, and offers a treatment area five times larger than the old clinic. It replaces the cramped quarters of seven beds, where patients had about 35 square feet surrounding them. In the new clinic, 10 treatment areas offer about 80 square feet — more than double the space — plus shelves and storage for belongings and TV and Internet access to help pass the long hours of treatments. There also are two private treatment rooms. Patient comfort and safety are at the forefront in the new clinic's airy design and layout. The decor, with its soft, earth-toned walls and large windows overlooking a rainwater-fed garden, strives to offer a sense of serenity. Heat radiating from the floor warms patients, who often get the chills while undergoing chemotherapy. "We're trying to make it as pleasant an atmosphere as we can for patients who are undergoing what can be unpleasant times," said Kaiser medical office manager Karen Carter. Kaiser's expansion comes in response to an aging population, as well as advancing treatment options with a higher success rate. Longview is the only oncology unit in Washington for Kaiser patients. The only cancer treatment local Kaiser patients will still have to travel to Portland for is radiation. Williamson, 56, of Kelso is being treated for lymphoma. Thursday was her third of six chemotherapy treatments. In addition to the new, lighter and more spacious environment, she also is appreciating the new infusion chairs. "The others were a mish-mash of styles. I tried to get there early to get a big black recliner that was my favorite, because six hours is a long time," she said. She also pointed out the side trays on the new chairs and the ability to adjust the chair levels and positions using a remote control, rather than manually like the old chairs. Other amenities in the addition include an on-site kitchen, four nursing stations, three offices for oncology physicians and counselors, a library with two computer work stations for patients and families to research health and medical information and a separate pharmacy specializing in cancer treatment medications. The entrance is separate from the main part of the building, keeping germ exposure from patients in other waiting areas at a minimum. Though the new clinic has an airy design and layout, offering a more serene setting for patients, some were concerned about the move, said Kim O'Neill, team lead RN at the clinic. "Many patients were anxious about making this move because they were very concerned they would lose the intimacy and closeness they shared," she said. "Now that they've moved over here and experienced it, they love it. There is the same closeness here among patients and staff." Kathy Goforth, 55, who is receiving treatment for colon cancer, was one of those hesitant patients, according to her husband, Steve. "At first, Kathy thought (the former clinic) was close and homey," he said. " But now that she's been here a couple of times, she sees that she can still visit with other people." "Part of the whole cancer aspect is sharing with somebody else. It makes it a little more bearable, to understand you're not alone," he said. "I was sure it would be OK with the open room format. The more positive the environment, the better it is for your spirit." O'Neill said it's not only the current patients who appreciate the new clinic, but many previous patients also have come to check it out. "Yesterday, I had a patient from 14 years ago come to look at the space and congratulate us," she said. "And there was a woman from 10 years ago, when she passed the corner and could see the treatment area, tears started streaming down her face, she was so happy for us and the patients here." O'Neill said another former patient, who has to return for more treatment, told her, "I know this is weird, but I'm excited to come back." Timothy Luchau was watching the History Channel Thursday while he received his second of three chemo treatments for tongue carcinoma. He said he didn't mind the previous quarters, but "it was very confining and small — everybody was stacked in there. Now you've got a view, you can get up and walk around if you want. You've got headphones for the TV. It's great." Hyatt Yu, specialty care manager at the clinic, said, the old clinic did offer a sense of closeness and intimacy among the patients, "but it didn't have the kind of room we felt the staff and patients deserve." Yu said one of the most important aspects of the new clinic's design is the space each bay offers for loved ones to be with the patient. "There's a focal area," he said. "It promotes a sense of we're all in this together."

Back to Work

Made it back to work today... I am going slow. Feeling a little blah still.. I would be happy to just sit and look at a blank wall if it were up to me. Still feel very nauseous but it comes and goes along with the head ache. Seems like everything tires me out. I did email my Dr. at Kaiser and ask how much they are going to charge me for the IV meds I got for chemo and they said nothing.. The pills I get are a little spendy but if they aren't going to charge me for something.. that's good. sure I will sleep good tonight!

Sick, Sick

Lets see,I don't hardly know what day it is today. Thursday was the chemo day. Friday was pretty good, up and around the house, made dinner etc. Just moving very slow all day. By Friday night,,, not so hot... nauseous.. almost to the point of throwing up. You know, that nice tight feeling you get...think I would have felt better if I could have thrown up. But the Dr's don't want you to that point. Saturday I think I slept 20 hours. Got up by 8am was back in bed at 10am got up again, went back to bed until about 4pm. If I wasn't in bed, I was out flat on the sofa all day. Since I had hardly eaten anything, about 5pm, I sent Richard to Nipps for a hamburger, it sounded really good. The Dr. said nothing too greasy or spicy. I ate about three quarters of the burger and it helped to have some food. Sunday, today, I feel a little better. Made Richard a big breakfast. Then hit the sofa for a while and than took another nap. Just now got up and its 3pm. I am not hungry and I am sure that's not helping with feeling sick. My stomach probably thinks I am on strike! Have a head ache and am tired of taking pills. I have to take 4 different types of pills at 8am and the sames ones again at 8pm. All of them to keep the nauseous feeling down. Tonight I think are the last ones of this round. I missed the Special Assembly Day on Saturday, and took Monday off work. Hopefully I will feel like going to work on Tuesday. I cant handle this feeling much longer. I like the staying in my PJ's all day.. that I can get used to! Richard is out getting me some some apple juice, 7-up and ginger ale right now. Cant say I have been the best weekend company for my husband. But I can say , he has been great about helping me.

Chemo Round 1- Done

Appointment today was at 9am for the first round of chemo. There are 6 chairs, 3 were used. I chose one toward the end of the chair line up.(the one farthest away from the lady who was talking so loud and talking about anything she could think of,, blah blah blah blah Still not too sure who she was talking to)!!! All chairs face the same direction... directly at the nurses station about 8 feet away (if even that far). My nurse was really nice, explained everything as she went. The other two nurses who last time tried getting the IV in me, were nice to see me back, with a chest port this time! So far, this chest port I think is going to be a good idea. The head RN, Kim, came to talk to me, said I "looked like I didn't want to be there", I said," Of course I don't want to be here". She told me thought everyone who comes there is brave, she has no way of knowing the feeling that cancer patients have. It started with them taking the steri-strips off from the surgery areas. (nice to have them gone!) Than she told me to slowly breathe out and when I did she pushed just a little and the IV end went into the port. Hardly any pain at all. They ran some saline through to make sure it was all working OK etc. Gave me four meds by pill to take (anti nausea meds) and I had to just sit there about a half hour to let the meds start working. Than the nurse sat with me at gave me the Adriamyacin. It was in a needle I will say for lack of better terms. The needle was about the size around of quarter and about 4inches long. There were 2 1/2 of these that she put into the IV by hand. It is red colored and the strongest of the drugs, hence the need for a large deep vein. It also makes your urine, sweat and tears pink/red colored for the next couple of days. This med will make my hair fall out, give me mouth sores,nauseated and low blood counts for side effects. My urine has now been bright blue from the surgery and red from the meds today! I find it very interesting! The next med the C was also in a needle form, the Cytoxan. This was only one needle amount and clear in color. Side effects are a metallic taste in the mouth during the IV, nausea, appetite changes, hair loss, low blood counts and menopause. (oh boy!) Then I sat with an IV bag and pole and the put two bags of saline in me, still using the port. Richard came and went, I texted with Kris a little bit and read my book. Just stayed to myself mostly. Everyone in there knows each other it seems like. Two of them while I was there had blood transfusions, which thoroughly grossed me out. they just hang a bag of blood on the IV pole and its no big deal to anyone in there. But my conscience and knowing what Jehovah approves and disapproves of is in my mind all the time. I just tried to ignore it. It wasn't me dealing with it. Before we left, the pharmacist came in and went over the meds, pills I will be taking and the side effects. Prochlorperazine (Compazine) I will take tonight at 8 pm and for the next three days one pill at 8am and 8pm; Dexamethasone(Decadron) I will not take tonight, but for the next three days 2 pills at 8am and 8pm; Ondansetron(Zofran) I will take one tonight at 8pm and for the next three days one pill at 8am and 8pm; Emend I will not take one tonight but will take one pill the next two days. These all are to combat being nauseated. Something tells me they expect me to be really sick! Left Kaiser about noon, went to have some chicken noodle soup at Toppers Restaurant, came home and took a nap. Feeling OK, just a little gross feeling. I have to say, not as bad as I thought.... SO FAR. The questions I had last night, none of them got answered due to none of it happening- so that's "A good thing".