Tomorrow's C Day

Tomorrow is C day--- Chemo Day I have no way to express how I feel other than bawling sick to my stomach and wanting to tell my husband and family that I am sorry for getting sick. I am terrified of what will happen tomorrow. I have not ever been to visit anyone who is getting chemo. I don't know what the room looks like, the chairs, what the routine in there will be, how many others will be in there getting treatment, what to pack to bring with for the day, how I will feel, what I will feel. There are so many questions about the unknown and I hope that on the next treatment day I wont be as anxious and nervous and scared. Today for lunch I met a co-worker and she gave me pink T-shirt that says "Survivor" on the front. We had a nice lunch. But than the topic of me trying to work through this whole time came up. Once back to work, several told me that I should look into applying for the long term disability that the credit union offers because I most likely wont be able to work. Also that I need to spend my time working on getting myself healthy not worrying about work. I talked to our HR dept about the disability, printed out some things on it. This evening Richard and I talked a little bit about it. He seems to think that since the treatment is every three weeks, that I most likely will be able to work by the second or third week. And maybe I will. We are going to wait and see how this first treatment goes and how my body reacts to the drugs. Also checked out my Kaiser account online only to find three new meds listed for me. The are quite confusing and I will probably need a chart to hang on the wall to keep track. They are: 1.) Prochlorperazine Maleate (Compazine) Take one tablet by mouth every 12 hours for 3 days starting evening of chemo, Then take one tablet every 6 to 8 hours if needed for nausea 2.) Dexamethasone (Decadron) Take two tablets by mouth every morning for 2 days, then take one tablet every morning for one day, start morning after chemo 3.) Ondansetron (Zofran) Take one tablet by mouth every 12 hours for 3 days, start evening of chemo Not sure what these are for, I have not had the time to look up what they are, what the side effects are. And am sure they will tell me tomorrow when I pick them up at the pharmacy. There is so much to know, to learn and to remember all on top of thinking that this is to kill any remaining cancer cells that could be in side me. Oh ya, I got my hair cut today too. Trying to prepare a little for when it falls out. At least this way, its a lot shorter than it was. I am pretty sure I wont sleep very well tonight and am already dreading 11am tomorrow morning.